Francofiles- (cause we all love somebody being frank 😀 teehee)
Tips for New Working Girls – by Franco
(and warnings for naughty men – we know your tricks!)
- Settling the Bill
Starting off nice and simple, Funhouse girls have no problem with this. But depending on where you work, you may have different policies for payment. For those where it’s flexible; pay at the beginning, pay at the end, whatever goes etc- you may feel a tad uncomfortable at the end when you’re about to leave the room and he hasn’t paid yet. Odds are? He 100% forgot. No scheming, no hopeful ‘maybe she won’t notice’. In fact once you mention it, he’ll probably get all flustered and try to reassure you he wasn’t trying to ‘not pay’.
It doesn’t have to be awkward. You don’t have to feel guilty, like you’re breaking the mood. Just keep natural, saunter up to him and ask “so was that going to be cash or credit?”, or whatever is applicable to the scenario. If he gets flustered and embarrassed for forgetting, just channel your best eu natural and mention “oh I never thought that, people often don’t pay till the end.”
- Timing, Timing, Timing
One of the many things I love about Funhouse is how organised the schedule is. It is tightly run so no client will ever run into another client. Everything is run in 15 minutes slots- one person may arrive at 3:00 the next at 3:15, somebody leaving at 3:30, etc etc. This is why it is crucial to keep on track. There are clocks in every room, and ooh here’s an additional tip- ladies, learn to read clocks in the mirror. You’re not always in the most opportune position to flick your head back and see where you’re at time-wise.
Now, there are a myriad of reasons why sometimes, it’s hard to get your lad to leave at the hour mark (or 90 minutes, etc). Sometimes they don’t notice what time it is- they’re not usually going to be checking the clock. Don’t feel awkward for wrapping up a post-coital conversation and eschewing them into the shower! Find a break in the conversation and suddenly “gasp! Oh look at the time, I got so carried away chatting to you, you handsome devil you. Do you need a quick quick quick shower?” (okay, maybe be a little more nonchalant, and a little less silly, but hey, it’s all about the tone of voice really!). If they don’t want a shower, jump up and start getting dressed. If they’re not getting the hint, start bringing them their clothing- “Would you like me to get your underwear for you?” “Pity it’s not as fun putting the clothes back on, I much preferred it when you were taking them off”. If he STILL isn’t getting the hint? (Or he’s trying his damnedest not to), then you’re allowed to get stern. Mary let’s us blame it on her, and we can give an honest (but try a bit cheeky) “okay we’ve really got to wrap this up, Mary won’t be happy with us if we’re out late!”. I always aim for the 2:55 being ready if it’s a 3:00 exit, because that way I can feel more flexible and patient if at 2:56 he’s still tying his shoelaces, rather than at 3:04.
Sometimes, you will come across somebody where you really do get carried away in conversation. Maybe he’s a cutie, maybe you just have some good chemistry. But you CAN NOT give him extra leeway. 1) Even if it’s for you, it still throws the timing schedule off. 2) Even if you know there’s nothing else going on, you can’t let him stay late- next time you see him, he will assume he can stay longer, or even worse is 3) He will expect all other girls he sees to make the same exception for him. He may see another girl a week later, and just ‘assume’ that if he’s 5, 10, 15 minutes late out, no big deal.
I actually recently got a “oh don’t worry, Mary likes me, it’s fine if I’m a few minutes late out”. No. No no no no no. Wrong. It is never okay. As fun a business as this industry is, it’s still a business, and I ASSURE you, Mary doesn’t want anybody throwing off her tightly run schedule – for anyone’s sake!
Let’s just imagine for a moment you have a 1 hour Funhouse booking at 2pm and a boring work meeting at 3.15, you have it all timed like clockwork but suddenly Mary texts you to say sorry we are running late can we push it back to 2.15? WHY? Because we couldn’t get the last guy to leave on time and we are busy and have no spare room to swap your booking to.
So men, if you feel we’re eschewing you away, don’t be offended- we don’t do it because we want you gone, we do it because we respect our fellow ladies and our Mammah Mary’s business model.
- “Another Girl Let Me”
Now ladies, listen closely, because this is an important one. And men, listen closer, because the second you say this is the second you’ve officially disrespected us.
As we all know, it’s crucial to be safe. I don’t even feel the need to point out the reasons why this is so important. Unfortunately though, use of condoms can lower the satisfaction for men. Thus, it is not unknown to be asked if you can “suck them just a little” without a condom, or even get asked for sex without a condom. These requests are usually – not always – accompanied with financial bribery.
Do. Not. Do. It.
Yes, money is fantastic, but the second you let somebody do that, you’re once again letting down the whole team, especially yourself. There’s a reason why condom use is considered SAFE SEX. Whether your man is married, insistent he’s clean, or ‘gosh darnit just such a cutie’, there is 100% no way to know where he’s been, or what he has- and equally, you may not know what YOU have. If you don’t get checks every single time you have intercourse, you yourself can’t guarantee you’re clean. Many STI’s can manifest asymptomatically in one person, but not the next. You put your client at risk, you put yourself at risk, and yes, you put everybody else at risk. How?
You think he’ll let you break the rule and not expect others to? It’s just like with timing. You make an exception for somebody, and he will expect it from others. He may see you one week, and another girl a few weeks later. He will ask, he will nag, and he will expect her to give in eventually, just like you did. Instead of hearing “no”, he will hear “not yet but keep trying and sure I’ll sacrifice my sexual health as payment to shut you up eventually.”
This leads on to another vital warning- against all odds, men, I’m afraid, are able to lie. Shocking, I know. Why didn’t your mother warn you?
But all jokes aside, while sometimes one girl may have allowed a client to do something naughty, other times a client will PRETEND another girl has. “Now I won’t name names, but SOMEBODY else here let me do it….” or “you’d be surprised how many girls will let me ;)”. No you won’t be surprised, because it’s 0. That’s how many girls he is talking about. A big whopping 0. No matter how convincing or how adamant he is, you don’t have to listen for a second. If he keeps nagging and being rude, frankly, you can get as mad at him as you like. If somebody is known to nag people to do things they shouldn’t, Mary will give them warnings. If they don’t back off? They get barred. No more Funhouse for you, fun fella.
And guys if you do find women silly enough or desperate enough to blow you without a condom – or worse – do you really think you are that ‘special’ or is she doing that with a lot of other guys who are doing it with a lot of other girls who are that silly or that desperate and are doing it with a lot of other guys – see how many people you just had unprotected sex with in one little blow job – now tell that to the wife!
- Be Prepared – Know Your Story
Most bookings tend to start with a chat of some sort. Some men will say what their job is, some keep completely closed off. Obviously, never press for anything! I often start with “So what do you do? Of course no need to tell me if it’s too personal!”. So far, I don’t believe I’ve made anybody uncomfortable (touch wood. No that wood, you filthy minded minx!).
Now, as you chat away, it can be hard to keep some personal information closed off. Some girls have a complete backstory, but I personally never had a memory for such an intricate lie. So I have preset boundaries. I have certain bits of information I am okay to share, certain things I 100% don’t say. I’m open with what city I grew up in, but not about the suburb. If they ask, I use a different one. I’m open about what I study, and some extra curricular commitments, but not about where my other job is. I’m open about my hobbies, but nothing that makes me identifiable. I stick to my boundaries, to prevent slipping up.
And just NEVER give out your real name or contact details – those who ask are at risk of becoming inappropriate.
- Nobody Likes Bath Time
Ah, the infamous pre-fornication shower. Most men have no problem with this, though with some you’ll get the “oh I showered before I came”.
Gentlemen- please don’t be offended that we insist you shower. You may very well have showered at home or at the office or at the gym. But that means nothing to us. How far from home are you? Did you walk, run, jog, skip, hike here? Was this 5 minutes ago down the road, or 30 minutes ago across town? Whether you showered near or far, I’m going to be very crude here. You sweat. And you know where you sweat most, my friend? Most of your sweat is right where you hope we’ll be caressing, kissing, licking, or all of the above. Fellas, I’m talking about your ballsack. Do you want to lick my armpits after a walk in the sun? I know I sure woudn’t!
By letting us get you in the shower, we can be sure that you are clean and fresh. Make sure to really give yourself a scrub too! Going downtown on you is a lot more fun for us if we’re not holding our breath to evade the gentle odor I’ve affectionately dubbed the “sack’n’crack”. I personally love going down on a gentleman, in fact I take great pleasure in it. But it is so much more enjoyable knowing you’re clean and fresh and smelling of our lovely shower gels.
Another benefit of having a shower is it gives us a chance to each nip in and grab some mouthwash- another thing for you to please not be offended by. This isn’t just a “you have bad breath” message, I promise! It’s oral hygiene, we’re about to be putting our mouths in some sensitive places my friend! Much like I want your body fresh when I kiss it, I want your mouth fresh when it kisses mine. Leading you to the shower is a great chance for us to set some mouthwash out without an ordeal, rather than getting down and dirty and then saying, “WAIT! MOUTHWASH FIRST!”. Can you say ‘Mood killer’? Plus, sometimes it IS for your breath- because your pre-booking anxiety cigarette taste isn’t hidden by a quick gum chew I’m afraid, and I’m sure you don’t want us inwardly grimacing with each tonsil tango.
So ladies, just explain this to your man – if they’re really kicking up a fuss, then join him! Make it a particularly steamy shower- not many men complain with that offer!
And men? Please don’t be offended- we just don’t tend to assume your body will smell of roses and candyfloss.
- The Little Things
Just a final little note, actually delivered from a regular client of mine. I was telling him about this blog post I was putting together, and he insisted I mention the ‘sweet little touches’ he liked that I did. I had no idea what he meant, so he explained. Meeting him with a kiss at the door is a tiny gesture that can make all the difference. Right from the beginning you’re demonstrating your comfort and affection. Hold his hand as you lead him to the room, and when you sit down, try to encourage a little physical contact. It helps ease you both into the moment. Rub his thigh, put his arm around you, stroke his skin. Find something about his body you find genuinely sexy, be it his slight stubble, defined bicep, hair colour, or straight teeth. Truly treat him to the girlfriend experience, don’t shy away from intimacy. From meeting him to saying goodbye, the little things don’t go unnoticed (as I now know!). At the door, don’t hold back then either- a kiss and a hug goodbye, a smile, a wave as he exits, and an invitation to return. “I really enjoyed this”, “I hope I get to see you again”, and or “you’re more than welcome to see me again if you ever want”. No pressure, no demand, just a polite open invitation. Knowing he’s welcome back may be the reason he returns.
So there we have it lads and ladies – some tips and tricks to prevent a few of those awkward or unwanted moments. But most of all girls, this is YOUR body. So if anybody ever makes you uncomfortable or you feel they try to bend the rules, don’t ever feel you have to keep it to yourself. You don’t owe him your discomfort. You’re providing a custom-made service- you only have to offer what you’re comfortable with. Anybody that tries to pressure you, please, please, PLEASE pass this on to your Madam. If she’s anything like Mary, she will only be understanding and accommodating – and for all you know, other girls have been too scared to say something. Your voice may make all the difference.